I was startled when my eyes were caught by the name “Sushama” in my buddy’s scrapbook. It was the name that my eyes longed to see ever since I joined Orkut. Rather, my intention by joining it was to find her. I found her. But…
“Don’t get afraid, please
I am sorry if I gifted any trouble to you in the past
I am thankful to you as you became the spirit of my poetry all these years
Trust me please, no mal intentions I have
Accept me please”
This was the message I left for her on that day. Then I took a rove to the pages of my life that got written along with the bygone years… a journey back to the past 6 years was on…
I was in my sixth standard then. It was the time when newcomers were pouring to different classes. In those times, I was a vigorous chap who spent most of his time bantering with his close friends and indulging in certain adventurous deeds apart from the many unsuccessful mischievous attempts. I could be compared to Tom Sawyer or Huckleberry Finn, the immortal characters created by Mark Twain. Those days were of merriment, full of life. Getting a PT period itself would leave us in immense pleasure.
Once while returning from the playground, tired and exhausted, we boys were in a discussion on that hour’s game. We went on discussing in between and analysing the game’s ups and downs. As we drew closer to the veranda, the boys got scattered and a pause to the screaming was endured. My feeble legs slowly lead me to my class. And my eyes were stuck on serenity! Yes, her visage felt so serene for me. Her hand was wound to her dad’s, her eyes were scared as a deer pleading and imploring to go back. It depicted her fear of getting into a new and strange world, my school. If I were a poet then, I would have written these lines for her:
Oh, my poetic vigour!
Thou visage remains so serene
Thou eyes seem so scared
I fear of being immersed in you
At the very first sight, it was clear to me that she’s a newcomer to our school. My young mind was not matured enough then to comprehend the vastness of that love. Looking back now, I realise that I had fallen in love for the very first time in my life and that my love could be called “Love at first sight”.
Transfixed at the aura that was about her, I moved to my class, hoping and praying within myself – “Oh God, Let that calm and serene girl be in my class so that my eyes and my heart could attain a state of calmness”. I don’t think God Almighty ever answered me so instantly as to that day’s prayer. The gentleman came to the door with a school bag held in his hand and my eyes spotted that serene visage behind him. Being in the sea of joy and anxiety, I failed to thank the God Almighty who answered my prayer so instantly and favourably.
Later on, the girl seemed to be so shy and rather silent. I was not aware of what’s called ‘romance’ then. I didn’t know about the concept of “Love at first sight”. I failed to define myself, the feelings within me towards her. Her shyness, her silence or her serenity, I don’t know which among the beautiful characteristics of hers drew my heart into such an enchanting and heavenly moments of life. I never had such feelings before.
I remember myself even as a child had a deep affinity towards beauty; the beauty of nature, also the beauty that’s so natural. I watched the rain for long sitting with my legs crossed on the pyol of my ancestral home. My palms chilled on receiving the raindrops flowing down the roof tiles. I did it just to take in that pleasant feeling. The beauty of a blossomed flower too captured my eyes and it induced a comfort into my heart. And it’s through the very same eyes of mine with the sparkling innocence that I gazed upon her serenity. She moved with grace, yet had a scared face, as she walked into my classroom. And my eyes followed her slow and silent displacement. I felt something in her, something divine, something predestined, that drew me towards her.
A few slow and silent steps lead her to the teacher’s table. Her beautiful face was then turned to the gentleman who still stood at the doorstep. Their eyes seemed to convey a thousand words. The teacher directed her to the second bench of girl’s side where one seat remained vacant. She kept her bag aside and stood up to answer the teacher’s usual old question,” What’s your name?” I couldn't hear her voice as it was so soft. I couldn’t see her smile as I was a backbencher. Thus my ears and my eyes failed to feel her “opening voice” and her “opening smile”. I was a loser. But there wafted a sweetness, a pleasant sweetness, from her. As a breeze, that sweetness entered my heart and I received it openly.
My friends who sat nearer to girls queried the new girl’s name. It passed on and on and at last reached me. I heard it, “Sushama”. Then I found my bench mates getting back to their own chit-chats, but my eyes were again set on her to grab what I lost some moments before. At a particular point of time, I was blessed to see her charming serene smile that depicted her innocence. However, the sad part is that her smile was not meant for me; instead, it was for Reshmi, who sat beside her. Now her eyes seemed no longer scared, on the other hand, it glittered as an accompaniment to her beautiful smile. And I was overjoyed to learn that she was getting closer to my friend Reshmi. The day was so memorable in my life. The girl carried away my mind even after getting back to the home that day.
The days that came forth were of many un-natural behaviour in me. I tried heart and soul to get a closer feel of the new girl’s such a natural well being. Reshmi was very close to me at that time. So I started to talk to her at every necessary and unnecessary situation so as to have a closer look at the serene visage of the girl who grabbed my heart so tightly and to invite her attention towards me. I told my best friend Neeraj about my carried away mind those days because of the newly admitted girl in the class. He told that Sushama is good and is unlike the other showbiz and garrulous girls in the class. But before him, I was the one to notice that peculiarity in her.
The process of "inviting attention" out broke with Good mornings. Yes, a simple 'good morning' mattered much to me. I would reach the class much before her arrival. And as Reshmi and Sushama were about to reach the building, I would run, pretending to be very busy, and deliver a 'busy' good morning and a 'busy' smile to them. They would feel that I am in a hurry in connection with the assembly programs which was to be held soon. And that was my intention too. I thought that those Good mornings would create some image of mine in the new girl's mind as a friend of Reshmi. I seldom got a reply from Sushama. But surely, Reshmi would reply me. The "Good Morning" process repeated on an occasional basis.
The next attempt from my part was lending of notebooks from Reshmi. I was well aware that Sushama needs Reshmi’s books to complete her pending works for she joined the class late. Still, I would approach Reshmi and she would direct me to my girl to lend the notebooks. I used to be loaded with damn fear, quickened heart beats, tightened veins, and sometimes broken speech when I am about to reach Sushama. I had a constant fear of having a stroke up being in front her in spite of having an innocent smile on her face. Right after reaching her, I tried to end the conversation soon out of fear. I didn’t know why. But, she would reply me in her sweet voice that she has some more to complete or something else. And as I moved back to my seat, Neeraj and other friends of mine would giggle at me. They were enjoying my tensed and troubled posture while standing before her!
Once we were in a hurry to end our game as no much time was left for the bell. That PT period was of full of thrill, for our opponents, and we were worried about losing the match. As such, I found Reshmi and Sushama walking through the rugged edges of the playground. I couldn't understand for what they are up to and why they stay isolated from other girls who play badminton at the corner of the ground. Reshmi found climbing the terrain! Our playground was surrounded by high leaps, ups and downs. I was puzzled to see Sushama too following Reshmi! As I turned back, I found the whole players in the ground anxiously watching the two girl's ‘adventurous’ moves just like me. Putting an end to this ‘Invasion of high altitudes’, Sushama stumbled down, and Reshmi behind her! The boys gave a ridiculous laugh at them. The two girls rested down for some time, during which Reshmi found rubbing her knees out of pain. The whole boys there howled at them while I remained with a silly smile thinking why these girls attempted what we boys were meant to do! We boys were adventurous, we used to climb till the top of that terrain and run down swiftly. But I couldn't think of girls doing such things. The bell rang and we lost the game, rather they spoiled the game. Shiney ma’am whistled and boys were running to line up. As they were about to reach the two 'adventurous' girls, they howled and they screamed again. I just walked behind the other boys and as I reached them, I smiled at Sushama. My eyes saw only her, just her. She slanted her shameful face giving me, just me, a shameful, but lovely smile. I was delighted to the peak as that smile was purely intended for me, just for me. That was a moment of immense pleasure. Then I ran fast to join the line-up of other boys, bearing a rejoicing heart.
On an afternoon, I happened to see Reshmi and Sushama proceeding to the staff room. I just had a casual talk to Reshmi for some time as they reached me, during which, surprisingly, I never found Sushama turning towards me or at least giving a face of familiarity. She seemed to be serious. I was sure that she could not pretend as such as she was that innocent. I was riled by her silence then. I forgot that it was the same silence of hers that I respected. I asked Reshmi in a rough tone that doesn't this girl ever talk. Hearing this, Sushama gave me a stare, held Reshmi's hand and rushed forward as if I had said something that's forbidden! This incident would be the first one that lit a spark of anger in her mind against me, I recollect. Our English teacher, Mrs Meera, used to give us the last 5-10 minutes of her every hour for relaxing. Once while sitting idle at such a time, she asked some of the girls to sing a song. All time loquacious girls kept mum then. As she turned to the boy’s side, my friends barked my name aloud. I had never sung in front of anyone before. But my policy of “inviting attention” those days provoked me to sing. My ‘helpful’ friends, on the second call from Meera miss, sent me out. Being in front of the whole class, my bones shivered and I was vibrated as a mobile phone set in silent mode! I couldn't start any song for some while. However, when I was reminded of my girl, I gained voice from my inner core to sing a melodious song, a romantic one. My mind longed to see Sushama’s expression hearing my song, but my eyes dared to look! But when the lines came really romantic, my eyes dared to delve her among the girls. My hands moved to the tune, and my face turned just for her. Her face was not red as I expected. As I ended the song, the whole class remained silent for a while, the eyes of many in the class were on my girl. Some girls smiled at me, then turned to my girl and again the same. I couldn’t withstand those silent but active communications that transferred so many meanings between so many eyes. Meera miss was the one who opened clap for me. I ran to my seat. Boys clapped, girls clapped, while I sat idle. Boys turned and surrounded me, noise boomed. Some of the girls found whispering among themselves. Meera ma’am hushed the class up by striking the table hard. The bell rang and she left thanking us. From that day, I became the singer laureate of the class (someone like the poet laureate of a nation!). At the same time, almost everyone in my class realised that I am looking for her.
Manikandan sir, our Sanskrit teacher, once came out with a new task for us. We were asked to have a live conversation in Sanskrit. A student is supposed to come in front and he or she’s required to call upon anyone from the whole class and converse in Sanskrit. Some of the girls found taking the task seriously. After the class, as Sushama was moving towards the school bus, I hindered her with my presence. I told her that she would be called the next day by me for the conversation. This time, she pretended to be not listening, looking aside. She kept silence and moved forward. I followed her and said again that I would really call her. Then she exclaimed,” I don’t care”. I don’t know the apt word to describe the tone with which she threw those three words. What I knew is that it had some thorns which were powerful enough to pierce my heart.
I was at the peak of anxiety and thrill on the next day about Manikandan sir’s task. I thought Reshmi too, as she was present last evening when I spoke to Sushama. One or two girls came out for the conversation. I looked at Sushama while it was going on. I set my mind not to withdraw at any moment regarding the task, but face it. And I moved on. Sir’s eyes glistened with amazement as I came forward because I never used to take such an initiative. But I did it then. For him, I was the one who always hid when needed in front. Boys were curiously waiting for me to call Sushama, except Sarath. When I looked at my girl, she seemed scared! I was enjoying her tensed face! Even Reshmi expected me to call her friend. But I know how much brave I am, that too, to call her to converse in Sanskrit! When sir asked me to start, I was relaxing my eyes on her. As she looked at me after some moments, I just turned to Sarath and called him; “a dramatic turn was that”, as boys said later. He came and we did the conversation well! The whole class was amazed to see our short time, but organised conversation. They wondered how and when we made up a conversation in such a busy schedule of other activities! Even Manikandan sir appreciated us!
Sarath’s entrance to the scene was not accidental. What happened was, on the previous day, while I was walking away from Sushama who threw those three words,” I don’t care” at me without any mercy, I saw Sarath who was quickly passing through. The rest you could make out. All was just to see serenity in tension!
The feedback from boys on this one-man show of mine to scare Sushama was pure appreciation. They rated the effect of my performance by scanning her face while I was ‘performing’ in front of everyone. Some girls pointed out that Luke is getting naughty these days. And I thought, am I?
After all, it was just 6th standard. Just a spark could lead us to be the flame itself. And the academic year was running towards its end. Girls found leaving their mind completely in studies while we boys remained the same. We never felt a sixth standard examination is such a big deal. However, later on, I too joined in studies as some of my close friends dared to do so.
After the last exam of that year, we all stayed back for a long time at the school premises. The last day of the academic year witnessed some amount of pain in everyone’s heart. We all were crowded in the ground. We were chatting about many things like holiday plans, a picnic, cricket matches etc. So many other circles of friends too were there and as we met them, we wished happy holidays. “Happy Holidays” were heard all around. Then we all moved to the Dhaba nearby to have some sweets and else. Again as we were back, some friends were playing. Even while being in the circle of friends, my eyes searched for the girl’s crowd to see my girl. My eyes were always engaged in search of her. Deep at heart, I longed to convey a “happy holidays” to her. A crowd was found approaching us in which, between those faces, I could trace that serene visage. As they came nearer to us, we all wished them happy holidays. With rejoicing faces they moved… but my eyes were at my girl until she vanished away from my sight at the end of the ground. Meanwhile, I found myself alone, detached from my friends. On way back home, the incidents happened in the whole previous year rushed into my mind. I thought of those deeds of mine that might have hurt her. My mind was completely immersed in her as I moved to my home.
The holidays passed, we too passed the exam. We all were in a new class; the 7th standard. The fragrance from the newly painted walls welcomed us and gifted a feel of freshness. The very first day in the new class made me indulge in a quarrel! Actually, I found a seat parallel to Sushama’s. I managed to get it only after some verbal exchanges with two of the failed rogues in that class, one Anoop C.K and Sreejith K.V. They two were known as CK and KV respectively. CK became my rival in the later part of that year. I would be coming to that later. As the class teacher came, she ‘mercilessly’ shuffled everybody in the class. While my place was asked to change, CK giggled at me. And Reshmi smiled at me, nodding her head as if she knew why CK does so.
As the classes progressed, I tried to keep up with regular works. But, at the same time, I was getting activated at some other levels of thoughts. However, I reigned the social studies period with my clear cut points and arguments. The teacher understood that I am not just barking endlessly (though many in the class thought so). Later on, I was stimulated by some unknown source to shout, howl and criticise the teachers. I behaved as if I am free to do anything. A courage wrapped with negative essence seemed to shield me. Once I was hit by one boy as I went to bang some of the guys. I don’t remember the reason for my behaviour. Once even Sushama happened to see me quarrelling with my classmates while on the playground. Anger made me spit so many harsh and abusive words to them. She might have heard those. So a lot of wildness and aggressiveness came to my character. Teachers had a bad impression about me. But then, I remember, the 7th standard was not the same as my 6th. My thoughts roved through some other pathways. The thoughts were not that innocent as in the previous years. The circle of friends talked not of the action movies and cricket matches, but of those which induced passions in their minds. I too was there in those crowds, I remember. The innocent eyes of mine too got corrupted. I don’t blame anyone for that. My eyes started to peep, and not to look. But, in the case of Sushama, I truly loved her. But I was getting worse and worse the other side. When anyone includes my girl in such talks, I would hush them up and abuse with all worst words I knew. She never came even in my dreams to quench the thirst of my passions. I too never included her in the battle within myself with my own whooping passions. I had a respect for her. I loved her truly, my love was pure, my eyes had always innocent gaze for her even though I was experiencing some inevitable changes within myself. I intended to change, I thought of refining myself. But most often my thoughts went on diverting. But my feelings towards the girl I love were as pure as a crystal. My friends said Luke is mad about Sushama. I struggled with my own instable thoughts as more and more ideas of higher levels found reaching me. Putting an end to this suffocated situations, I decided to change, to refine.
The silence was my weapon. Isolation was my capital. I spoke less in and out of the class. My interactions were restricted to only few close friends like Neeraj and Sarath. Being silent was a different endurance for me. I never remained so in the class. Of course, at home I did. For a month or two, I was really silent throughout. Teachers started enquiring of my silence. They would say that class is inactive and not lively without Luke’s active manipulation and commentaries. Some girls came to me when I walked with Neeraj to enquire of my silent existence those days. I tried to avoid them. But I couldn’t stay without gazing at my girl. Once, Reshmi herself came to me, to know the reason for my silence, while Sushama stayed two footsteps away. I moved away answering nothing clearly but giving a short glance at the girl who was at two footsteps away. Our eyes met for a while. I moved away.
The Onam celebrations of our school were always a festival like. I loitered around alone while everyone else in the school was busy in their own cultural programs or other works. I got into a classroom seeing its door half open. I found Sushama and some other three girls practising ‘thiruvathirakkali’. As I entered, though other three girls stopped practising, I found my girl trying for another step. She, on seeing me, turned around quickly with a shameful smile and hid behind other girls. No smile was there on her face. Leaving a sorry for them I moved out, closing the door. The program started. We guys formed a group and stood beside the ground so as to get a closer view of the programs. When the host announced the program, ‘thiruvathirakkali’, I eagerly awaited it. Sushama was there in the front. I crossed my hands and my eyes were relied on her, just her. My eyes never cared for anyone else on the stage. Her eyes met with my eyes at times while she danced. It may be my illusion. But I felt so. She might have got scared of my eyes. My eyes were on her every rhythmic turns and movement. The dance continued for 3-4 minutes. As it ended, I just turned my face to rest my neck and thereby my eyes. As such, I was shocked to see Manikandan sir’s eyes resting on me! For the past few minutes, he was observing me. I was in the damn panic. He smiled and nodded his head. I slowly hid behind my friends.
From that incident, Manikandan sir used to give a special smile (having some hidden meanings) to me whenever he sees me. When I walk alone in the veranda, he would call me and enquire how things are going. I knew what he meant. One day, as soon as he came to the class, he wrote something on the board and asked us to copy. We used to line up on both sides of his table after completing the work for the correction. The whole class was aware of my liking to Sushama. Hence, boys would cooperate for my every ‘operation’ in connection with her. On that day, I adjusted my position on the line in such a way that Sushama and I could come face to face separated by a single table! My friends helped me to reach the table as I intended. He received my notebook with that same special smile. He looked up to see who the girl next was. Then what should I say? Damn it! He panned alternatively at the ‘prince and princess’. I was really gone in her proximity. Thinking that sir was correcting my notebook, I was looking at her. As a sudden, he held my hands and left it as such. I was shocked. Electric charges seemed to travel inside my hands! Then he asked me how were the Onam celebrations in a specially carved tone exclusively made for me. I replied that it was good. Then he panned at her. Again turned at me to ask what my relation with the girl in front of me was! I was thunderstruck. I never expected such a straight forward question from him. I was shocked and my hands shivered. I kept mum and with a face indicating him that whether the question is needed to be answered at this time. He then clarified that how do I know that girl. Oh! That was a relief for me. Meanwhile, the guys behind me started pinching me and whispering rubbish in my ears. I replied to my ‘dear’ sir that I know her as my classmate. He asked the same to Sushama too. She too answered the same, during which she glanced at me for a moment with an expressionless face. When sir turned once again to me, we looked face to face for some seconds. I shifted my eyes from his eyes and happened to see what sir was doing. I found him ticking even the blank pages of my notebook! I pointed out the mistake he was doing. He realised the stupidity he had done while all these were on the process! Seeing that my girl gave a laugh, I couldn’t term it a smile; it was a ‘laugh’. And I was glad as my eyes and my mind got blessed with her another token of beauty, her laugh!
Our school had a particular system of changing the class leaders every month! I never heard or seen such system happening in any other schools other than Kendriya Vidyalaya. I too became the ‘leader’ of my class once! It’s true. When my dad saw me bearing the badge of class leader, he wondered how I managed to get it! And my sister would clarify him saying about the system. She too would quote,” Every dog has a day”, adjacent to it. The whole class of mine felt like they are being led by a rebel! When I became the class leader, no names of people who were talking would be there on the board or on any piece of paper! All were guaranteed total freedom. Oh, I am deviating from what I intended to say. Yes, once our teacher made Sushama our class leader! All in the class supported her. Everybody wanted to see how such a silent girl could manage such a violent class! So I too supported. But later on, she was found getting into the chair of real ‘leader’. She started coming in front to write the names! Many of the boys started disliking her, even my friends. But I was not. I tried often to withdraw her from executing a literal ‘leadership’. She, after PT period, used to try hard to make the boys silent. When she fails, she would write the names and give it to the teacher. Once, she was arguing to Anwar for sitting on the desk or some trivia like that! That too happened after a PT period. Anwar started arguing with her for writing his name. And she was raising her voice. Since I was maintaining silence those days and never intended to break it, I bothered less of the leader’s reign. But as my friend too seen arguing intensely to her, I moved out of my seat and walked towards them, as a villain (or a hero!). When I went to ‘diagnose’ the matter, my girl withdrew herself by being silent and moving aside. I felt that she’s hesitating to talk to me. So, almost all boys in the class started to dislike Sushama, the leader. All of them thought of teaching her a lesson!
We used to go for PT if any teacher of our class was absent. Previously, we used to ask permission and leave. Later on, we just rushed out to the ground. Once Sadanandan Sir, our Hindi teacher, seemed absent as he failed to come to the class in time as usual. Sadanandan Sir was very punctual always. Boys said that he was not seen even at the assembly ground that morning. So they all unanimously confirmed his absence. They all were about to set out for playing. Sushama was insisting them to remain inside the class and said them that two of the girls had gone to the staff room to enquire. Since all my friends decided to leave, I too joined them. Still, some boys were inside the class. We left. Since KV and CK too were among us, everybody was thrilled. As we started playing, someone came to the ground to say that Sadanandan Sir is waiting for us! My heart started to beat hard. The reason was that at that time, he was the only one in front of whom I had at least a better impression. That too was going to get shattered. CK and KV lead us to the class as heroes. When we knocked the door, Sir asked to stay out. He came out after some time and queried with whose permission we left out to play. I don’t remember whether it’s KV or CK, who barefacedly said him that it was the leader who told us that since Sir was absent, it’s PT period! I was dumbstruck. Sir called the leader. And when she came, she was frightened to see us waiting to smash her. But Sir’s presence beheld us. Since he was our Hindi Sir and the leader herself was a highly scoring girl, he spoke to her in Hindi! We idiots who knew not even to say at least a single sentence in Hindi kept mum! I just watched out how fluently she spoke during which she found looking at me randomly. CK tried hard to convince the Sir. But failed to keep Sir in his pocket as usual! He let us inside after warning us much in Hindi. We understood less, and thus entered the class happily. But all in the group stared at my serene girl. I don’t remember what I did. I too might have sharpened my eyes at that time. However, I am not sure.
Towards the end of that year, we got some teachers’ free period. They, after completing their portions, took leave for a week or two. Once, on one such a period came a teacher who was strange for us. She was not seen in the school before. Everybody, at first, thought that she was a new teacher. She was very friendly and started to talk freely and openly. All were excited. She came out to know that the girls and boys of our class were always quarrelling each other. Girls shouted and boys shouted. Then, Sushama and probably Reshmi stood up to complain to the teacher that we boys come behind them when they walk towards the bus after the class and shout rubbish. Then she asked us about the matter. I remained quiet. Many of my friends were saying that these girls think themselves that they are Miss World! Then, from the crowd, raised KV and said, “These girls are always walking in front of us and thus we are unable to move forward. And they are complaining that we boys are after them, what stupidity is that!?” All the boys were chilled to hear KV’s clever reply. The boys triumphed and clapped. Then all the girls sat down. I remember that teacher even today who interacted with us so friendly on that day.
The English periods were not enjoyed as before towards the end. Meera miss disapproved my silence. She never knew anything about my refined mental state. She misunderstood that my silence and inertness in the class shows carelessness and disapproval of her class. And, let me say about CK. He became my rival in those last days! Since I was in silence, I refused to sing as before when Meera miss called. My friends too avoided compelling me to sing. Sushama was seeing all these happenings in English period. Frankly, I was acting at times, I remember! The process of “inviting attention” was remaining in minute amounts even then! CK utilised my silence. He came out with folk songs and many other numbers that drew the mind of classmates. He was rising when I was remaining silent. His fame as a folk singer grew and a little amount of envy you can trace in my mind. It’s true. But I never stood up to compete with the new trend setting singers! Let the stars reign the class.
Towards the end of academic year, we had a trip to a nearby stadium. We went there by school bus. We boys forcefully occupied the long seat at the back. Girls too tried to sit there. Boys were always powerful and we proved it. On way back, three or four including me occupied the ‘controversial’ seat. I thought that finding the boys occupied half of the long seat would let the girls withdraw from sitting there, but Reshmi came with Sushama and two more girls and dared to sit with us in the long seat! As such, the ‘Chinese wall’ between me and my girl was Krishna. Even after the bus moved some distance, I never spoke to her. I just looked outside and sat silently. I very much rejoiced when I heard Krishna saying to my girl that she was going to the front. Sushama was holding and persuading Krishna not to go. But as she stood up and we were about to ‘unite’, my girl let Reshmi the next ‘Chinese wall’! She was gifting me and my girl some weird expressions. I asked Reshmi that couldn’t she let at least for a few minutes for we too to be alone and aside. She nodded as if she could understand my feelings towards her friend.
During my 7th standard days, I never liked even a day to be a holiday, because on that day I was required to live, rather suffer, without seeing her. I could at least see her, though she never liked me if we were in the class. I was sure of my feelings towards her, my love. Purity was at supreme in my love. My mind was not vague towards her at the end of that year. I started doubting of my misdeeds and my way of approach towards her. Prior to my final exams, I learned from my father that he would be getting a transfer soon. As final exams were about to approach us, I was deeply depressed. I remained sad to the core. I was thinking of my girl, my friends, my playground and everything in connection with KV Trichur. I had a constant fear of missing my days. I had an inseparable bond with that school. I couldn’t think of days at school without seeing that serenity. I told Neeraj and others about the forthcoming transfer of my dad. They all were in deep distress. I told them about Sushama’s separation could be powerful enough to shatter me. Thoughts came to my mind, how I could kill the forthcoming days without seeing her. Floating in the sea of painful thoughts, I happened to neglect the seriousness of the final exams. I couldn’t concentrate on anything. I was lost.
The last days of the academic year were so painful. When teachers came to know that I was leaving the school, they all blessed me and pardoned me on my wrongs. I remember Thomas sir who told me that you have to love your friends and remember them always. When he said about loving friends, everybody looked at me and I turned to my serene girl. She was silent. Though for her I was no one, for me she was everything. Some of my friends even asked why I am fretting over a girl who could never love you. My heart was paining very badly. I believe that she must have been the happiest person when I left the school. Today, on recollecting those days’ deeds of mine, I am forced to think so. After the class, I saw all my friends getting their autograph books filled by their friends and teachers. I also approached everyone with a heavy heart of leaving the school. After my friends filled in my autograph book, I approached my girl for an autograph. “No way,” she repeated it twice. I asked her again since I was sure that we wouldn’t be meeting again. But, her reply was the same. I couldn’t distinguish the emotions that were within me when she behaved as such, whether it was revenge or anger or pity to the self. Even Reshmi gave her autograph to me. For a few minutes, I endured some pain beneath my heart. I never thought that that pain would remain as such for a long time…
The final exams were written by me just for the sake of it. I was rather neglecting them. That night we were required to shift to Trivandrum. Luggage was packed. That day’s dinner was at our neighbour’s house. When all in my house left for food, I was barely alone. The rooms were empty, packages were heaped up. An unusual feeling of extreme pain and worry haunted me. I sat on the old chair crossing my legs and was sobbing like a child. I was literally weeping. Drops ran out of my eyes and my cheeks got wet and my throat felt unusually heavy. I thought of her, I thought of everything that I did in the last two years. I had deep friendship over there, but let me say, the pain I felt beneath my heart on that night was for my girl. At that night, the silence and loneliness that I faced and felt were witnessed by those walls of my house and the God Almighty.
I bid farewell to the paradise where a serene Angel lived
Beholding the memories I walked out of my school
I left the unforgettable place bearing a broken heart
Where my soul and eyes chilled at her vicinity
AND THE STORY CONTINUES…
*******
